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Well then. [19 Oct 2012|01:33am]
[ mood | cynical ]

My roommate, JT, asked me what I was like in high school. So I re-read a lot of my old entries on here.

Man. I really hate the person I used to be.

I was in denial of how attention seeking I was.

Back in the day, I asked people to call me because I was feeling self destructive and the very next day I posted about how all my "so-called-friends" sucked because they didn't call or comment on my blog.

Wow. I was DISGUSTING.

NEVER. AGAIN.

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!!! [23 Sep 2011|01:16pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

I got a job! and it isn't at Hooters!

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O_O [29 Aug 2011|11:52am]
How long have I had this blog? Since middle school?

TRUE STORY: My brother is shipping off to the Marines on Monday. My mom has been trying to get me to go home to visit this weekend. She kept asking me to fly so we'd have more time together. Instead, I changed to driving midweek and she freaked out. She told me she's working during the week and there's a family dinner on Saturday. She sends me a bunch of texts with these -> !!! (as usual)

I told her there was no need to call me if she couldn't be calm and she said "guess I'm not calling!!!" I promised her I would work things out before she got off work... and so I did. I told her via facebook that I worked things out to be there this weekend.

I guess she didn't get that message because today... for what feels like the first time in my life... she apologized.

Part of me feels like crying. I don't know why that's such a big deal. She apologized.


And in the end, I'm driving home to see my family this weekend.
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Dear Hater: [02 Mar 2011|01:22pm]
It doesn't matter how many defamatory emails you send to Josh. I'm not afraid of you.

Everyone has a past, and I'm sorry that our presents is so much happier than yours that you feel the need to take time out of your life to try and sabotage us.

All you will get from me is a little bit of nausea and an extreme pity. I honestly don't see anything you can gain from these aggressive actions aside from pride in your tech savvy abilities. Good for you.

That being said, I hope you enjoy putting together those emails. No one is perfect, but good job taking things out of context and telling stories you don't know everything about to affirm this.

My life is thusfar successful happy, by the way. How have you felt lately?

Most Sincerely,
Samantha J. Spada

ps- bring it you pussy. ^_^
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sorry I can not hear you I'm kinda busy [22 Feb 2011|04:07pm]
I get $1k for touring with Twelfth Night.
-$200 credit bill
-$75 phone bill
-$15 internet.

I need to write a bazillion things.
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light hearted post [22 Feb 2011|02:12am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

My friends in Rside crack my up sometimes.

[Athena-Casual Scott]
youre the besttttt

[You]
02:09
xoxo
(no homo)

[Athena-Casual Scott]
02:09
xoxo
(lots of homo)
<3

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BitcheslovemecuztheyknowthatIcanROCK [17 Feb 2011|08:20am]
[ mood | frazzled ]

Maybe my current insanity is causing me to slowly try and kill myself with exhaustion.
Another one of our cast mates left the show (this one was let go after countless differences with our director), and I was offered his part with 10 days to learn his lines, blocking, and fight choreography. I accepted, of course. I spoke to the guy, Johnny, and he doesn't seem to be holding a grudge. He wasn't fond of Holly (director) anyway.

Pros: I am now a principle character. My role is touring. For touring I get $1000 (can't wait!). Caroline & the kids are coming (it's the first show they've seen with me in a large speaking role).
Cons: I'm exhausted. My body is sore from stage fighting. Holly suggested that I kiss someone I'd rather gut.

Give me the bright lights, long nights...

I have auditions for Romeo & Juliet on Sunday. Crew preview is tomorrow night... I slept for two hours last night.

Lula gave me $300 this week. I spent it already.
-$75 phone bill
-$100 credit card bill
-$25 make up for Twelfth Night (and de-stress chocolate)
-$10 tampons
-$50 food
-$40 present for Josh

I hate money... but the present for Josh is pretty awesome. I usually try to limit myself to 10%, and judging by the reviews it was a bad choice in gifts, but I think he'll like it. He's a nerd. I should have bought him this instead... poo :\

merrrrr I have work at 10:30AM. DISLIKE.

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Unhealthy Obsession with Health [02 Feb 2011|05:34pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

So. The fact that I'm a scantily clad dancer in our Lady Gaga raver rendition of Twelfth Night is poisoning me. I've become obsessed with my body. I'm addicted to exercise and obsessively count my calories. I was cheerful today until I remembered that I forgot to calculate my Chex Mix snack and went 194 calories (and 45 grams of carbohydrates) over my recommended daily intake for weight loss. My depression over this fact is RIDICULOUS considering even with going over, the calculator still estimates that a diet of that every day would put me at 3lbs less than I weigh now in about 5 weeks.

My costume is more or less a beaded bra and a strip of elastic with sequins on it. We are on a thrust stage which means everyone is about to be very very close to my scantily clad body.

For the record, everything they say about the "entertainment" business having ridiculous expectations of the female body is true.

I know what you're thinking. Why don't I just stop? I can't. Because every time I try and think of eating whatever I want and not counting the calories I take in/burn I think about my costume and the fact that I have to wear it in less than a month in front of hundreds of people (over the course of two weeks).

It doesn't help that my phone is dead and I haven't been able to talk to Josh. He is supposed to come over tomorrow to return it to me and I am slowly driving myself insane.

I am slowly driving myself insane.

...okay, maybe not that slowly.

2 comments comment?

Shit Guys! [03 Dec 2010|01:45pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

So. Call backs... done... rehearsal... sort of went to.

Meanwhile... I GOT THE LEAD IN A MAINSTAGE PLAY! I'm playing Lil' Bit in How I Learned to Drive. THE lead. There is a cast of five, three chorus characters, Uncle Peck (who molests me), and Me. I'm super excited.

NOT ONLY THAT, but I was also cast in Twelfth Night as a Showgirl.

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balls. [02 Dec 2010|05:59pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

My stomach is doing so many flips that I might throw up all over the place.

I'm on my way to my first main-stage call back
...then to rehearsal
...then to another call back
...then back to rehearsal.

Did I mention that I'm exHAUSTED?

Oh, and I haven't had my phone all week... since it died and Josh has my phone charger. Boooo.

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quick one [19 Nov 2010|02:49am]
[ mood | fat ]

I made my roommate throw up tonight. Not intentionally, apparently the margaritas I made for us were too strong. She only had one and got sick :(

I'm sincerely upset but Questionable Content. More than is rational...

An hour of my life just disappeared, sucked up by the internet.

I should be doing homework, but instead I will go to sleep and tell myself to do it in the morning.

My dedication to this morning work is questionable.

My bed is awesome.

I hate winter. I've cried twice in the past week. Once for NO reason at all and secondly while watching Princess and the Frog. Dammit, Disney.

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back in action [15 Nov 2010|11:59am]
[ mood | complacent ]

My laptop finally has a working charger again and, after only a few days, I am broke again. It is so depressing to work for just over half of what I made in San Francisco... not to mention the fact that I only work around 10 hours a week... so sad. It's a good thing I enjoy my work.

I registered for classes: Lit&Hist of Theatre:Elizabethan, Shakespeare's Tragedies, Basic Musical Concepts, Psych:Skepticism & Pseudosciences, Intro to Western Music. I didn't get into Photography, but I'm web stalking to registrar to see if any seats open up. One of the studios has a seat which confuses me because none of the lectures do. Grr.

I am also eating Greek yogurt that I put boysenberry preserves and peanut butter into. YUMMMMMM.

Oh. I think I'm failing Latin, but picking up Japanese pretty well.

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No day but today... [26 Oct 2010|09:02pm]
[ mood | lazy ]

My RENT obsession continues, and I'm probably going to change my bar/party name from Amy to Mimi (both close enough to "Sammi" to possibly be referencing my real name, but not close enough for anyone to assume it's short for "Samantha").

Classes are posted for next quarter! I register on the 8th. There's also a hold on my account which makes me think my dues haven't been paid. Oops.

Classes for graduation requirement:

  • Theatre Lit/His: Elizabethan-19th Cent (MW 2PM-4PM)
  • Shakespeare: Tragedies (TR 3:30PM-5PM)

Other classes I'm considering as filler (even though I only need 1 extra class):
  • Beginning Ballet (MW 11AM-12:30PM)
  • Basic Musical Concepts (TR 8AM-9:30AM + Discussion Fridays)
  • 1st Year Calculus (TR 2PM-3:30PM)
  • Poetry & Fiction: Reading (TR 11AM-12:30PM)
  • Harem in History/Western Culture (TR 11AM-12:30PM)
  • Philosophy of Evil (TR 11AM-12:30PM)
  • *Chamber Singers (TR 12:30PM-2PM)

classes are at the same time
*assuming Allie can teach me how to sight read well enough to audition for the class again
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"in miles, in laughter and strife..." [18 Oct 2010|05:02am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

If every season is a season of love, then I'm desperately trying to figure out exactly what type of love to fill this season with. I'm desperately grasping at strands of my life searching for those happy moments to make me feel complete.

When reading this, keep in mind that while I'm feeling physically tired, I am in no way depressed. Simply intrigued.

Winter fills me with doubts and hopes. Am I where I should be?... or even where I want?

I once said to myself that I wanted to be an actress because I wanted to be able to kiss and be held by beautiful people. I think that had something to do with my insecurities about wanting to be loved which are normal for children. At a later point in my life when I started dating, I told myself I wanted to be an actress because I wanted to be able to date beautiful people while being able to kiss and be held by others without it affecting my relationship. Well, at this point, I am now in a happy relationship. I am also in the point in acting where I AM kissing and being held by someone else... and it's weird. Like many things, it isn't as easy as I thought it would be as a kid. Don't get me wrong, Aaron is not an unattractive person, and in any other situation I would never kiss him because I love Josh too much, but it's not like I'm thrilled with the opportunity to physically be with someone else. To be honest, the days when Josh isn't around, I do feel that pretending with Aaron is better than nothing... but it's only those "in the moment" moments which are fleeting and shallow. I get home and I'm twice as lonely as I was before.

I love Josh, but I hate the ever-pressing thought "I hope things are different when we live together." I think that hope is what is causing me doubts. What if things don't get better? I don't see how they couldn't (I'm speaking in terms of loneliness and that sickening empty feeling I get when I lay alone awake all night), but that doubt is still there.


I'm thinking about pursuing getting a license to smoke marijuana. So far, it's the only thing that helps me fall asleep and STAY asleep... and I'm not at all keen on trying something synthesized (is that the word that means created by people and filled with unnatural chemicals often in a pill form?). I first need to get tested to see if there's something else wrong with me. I'm thinking about getting tested for hypoglycemia to explain my fainting spells.

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good news to warm my winter [09 Oct 2010|08:37pm]
[ mood | full ]

The season's kicking of my emotional butt is getting back into full-swing, but luckily I keep getting similarly hit by amazing opportunities and news.

First: Weekend Comedy goes up this Thursday... eee! My first performance as a principle character.

Second: Quills rehearsals start in two weeks... eee! my second role with major lines (muchos monologues)

Third: As soon as Quills closes I'll start going to production meetings for a new show where I will NOT be acting in BUT INSTEAD DESIGNING COSTUMES FOR. BYahhh! It's a student run show and Bonnie, my boss and the costume shop manager, told me that the hard-ass head of design, Mark, said I did well in his design class and (since I work in the shop already) to ask if I was interested. I'm SUPER interested. It's for How I Learned to Drive by Paula Vogel. There are six characters, and I'm excited to learn the process from the designer's perspective. Literally, as soon as the show opens, my job is done. Woo woo!

So. With all that on my plate, I'm going to do my best not to die from exhaustion. Winter time makes my energy scarce as is. :)

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as always... [01 Oct 2010|06:28pm]
[ mood | calm ]

So. Money. The root of all evil? Just maybe.

I'm pretty sure Lula put $200 in my account which she does randomly. So let's do some math!
$200
-$144 (this and last month's phone bills... oops)
-$20 (credit card which I maxed out over the summer)
-$20 (savings 10% of each deposit out of habit)
=$16

Now I have to HOPE that the workbook I desperately need for Japanese is $15 or less.
Oh, did I mention I'm going to Vegas this weekend? I purposefully paid my bills first so I wouldn't be tempted to gamble and lose what I can't afford.

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Once more with feeling [26 Sep 2010|02:41am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I didn't get in to the choir. It is bittersweet. She said my voice was good, but the fact remained that I can't read music which is a requirement for that group. She recommended a more beginner choir where I could learn to read, but it conflicts with my Shakespeare class (BOGUS!).

Block Party at UCR basically made Riverside party central. Josh-and-I (I looked back to old journal entries when I used to do this for couples. I still think it's cute) crashed parties with Alexa and Colin. The one we had the most fun at was the random one we got called to at Alexa's complex. Something along the lines of "HEY! What are you guys doing? You want Jell-O shots? Come party with us!" It was legit until Alexa's ex-bf showed up and she went ape-s___-hysterical.

I'll miss Josh. Kissing Aaron on stage feels so... empty.

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...courage don't desert me [18 Sep 2010|03:36pm]
[ mood | unconfident ]

I have a singing audition in two days. The more time passes, the less confident I am. The chair lady seems super nice, and everyone is super supportive... but I just can't shake my lack of confidence.

I can't shake the years back in elementary school where it was affirmed that I was the worst singer out of my friends. I can't shake the countless times when I've heard that joke, "Who sings this song? - Keep it that way". I can't shake all the auditions I've bombed...

I've been going through crazy mood swings the past few days. I'll go from feeling on top of the world, to feeling like I just need to be held. It doesn't help that sometimes I feel like the cosmos just wants to make it as difficult as possible for Josh and me to see each other. It doesn't help that I just wish I had rehearsals every day and don't. Rehearsals themselves don't help in that I have to hug and hold Aaron like I love him and it just makes me miss Josh more (not to mention that Aaron is like my brother's age and I feel like he's a co-worker and not a friend, although I told him this and he made efforts to be friendly which is good I guess).

I'm a backwards kind of person. In these moods, I just want to be held, but I don't want to let anyone in. I want to stay away from people, because generally people are selfish, self-centered, and not to be trusted. I want to be a hermit, but I want to be loved; is that too much?

1 comments comment?

show must go on... [01 Aug 2010|01:18am]
[ mood | sick ]

Opening night was last night for Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead. It went really well. Tonight the crowd was MUCH less and it was sad, but we did it anyway.

There's a bit of back-stage drama, as usual... but let's not discuss that.

I'm sick. Josh and I might have caught a bug from Danny when he was over. My throat hurts, I'm congested and generally groggy.

Ugh. I took nyquil and keep forgetting about this entry. That is all for tonight.

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the curveballs keep coming. [24 Jun 2010|02:50pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

So, my phone company has screwed me over enough times for me to consider breaking the contract. First, they charge me to extend my contract for 2 years even though I asked them not to do this. I didn't WANT my contract extended, I wanted to sit out the rest of the year and then get back on my mom's family plan. The phone itself, even with this new plan, was more than they had initially told me, but I figured "hey whatever, I need a new phone anyway". THEN my SIM stops working because it was originally programmed for an android phone and transferring it to a new one made it malfunction. I let the support know and they tell me I have to pay to replace it. That's stupid. This new phone somehow charged me for monthly downloads that I didn't want and had to go through customer service representatives to get canceled which went rather smoothly.

I want to cancel my plan SOOOO bad, but don't have the $200 to break contract and rely on my cell phone so much that it's crazy. I don't know what I'd do without it.



ALSO- because of all this yacht crap and choosing to buffer Jenny and Josh (in order to get this payment in on time), I'm late on last month's bill and have no money for groceries. The bitter part of me is telling my brain that those two are so wrapped up in their own business that they don't even care how much of my neck I'm sticking out to help them. SUPER. I hate money and I hate T-Mobile.

As an ending note: I had a SMALL coffee today and am now jittery and apparently more irritable than I have to be. Stupid coffee... stupid phone... stupid money everything. *grumble-grumble*


I drew something cuteCollapse )

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