human (sharkbite) wrote,

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...courage don't desert me

I have a singing audition in two days. The more time passes, the less confident I am. The chair lady seems super nice, and everyone is super supportive... but I just can't shake my lack of confidence.

I can't shake the years back in elementary school where it was affirmed that I was the worst singer out of my friends. I can't shake the countless times when I've heard that joke, "Who sings this song? - Keep it that way". I can't shake all the auditions I've bombed...

I've been going through crazy mood swings the past few days. I'll go from feeling on top of the world, to feeling like I just need to be held. It doesn't help that sometimes I feel like the cosmos just wants to make it as difficult as possible for Josh and me to see each other. It doesn't help that I just wish I had rehearsals every day and don't. Rehearsals themselves don't help in that I have to hug and hold Aaron like I love him and it just makes me miss Josh more (not to mention that Aaron is like my brother's age and I feel like he's a co-worker and not a friend, although I told him this and he made efforts to be friendly which is good I guess).

I'm a backwards kind of person. In these moods, I just want to be held, but I don't want to let anyone in. I want to stay away from people, because generally people are selfish, self-centered, and not to be trusted. I want to be a hermit, but I want to be loved; is that too much?
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