human (sharkbite) wrote,

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"in miles, in laughter and strife..."

If every season is a season of love, then I'm desperately trying to figure out exactly what type of love to fill this season with. I'm desperately grasping at strands of my life searching for those happy moments to make me feel complete.

When reading this, keep in mind that while I'm feeling physically tired, I am in no way depressed. Simply intrigued.

Winter fills me with doubts and hopes. Am I where I should be?... or even where I want?

I once said to myself that I wanted to be an actress because I wanted to be able to kiss and be held by beautiful people. I think that had something to do with my insecurities about wanting to be loved which are normal for children. At a later point in my life when I started dating, I told myself I wanted to be an actress because I wanted to be able to date beautiful people while being able to kiss and be held by others without it affecting my relationship. Well, at this point, I am now in a happy relationship. I am also in the point in acting where I AM kissing and being held by someone else... and it's weird. Like many things, it isn't as easy as I thought it would be as a kid. Don't get me wrong, Aaron is not an unattractive person, and in any other situation I would never kiss him because I love Josh too much, but it's not like I'm thrilled with the opportunity to physically be with someone else. To be honest, the days when Josh isn't around, I do feel that pretending with Aaron is better than nothing... but it's only those "in the moment" moments which are fleeting and shallow. I get home and I'm twice as lonely as I was before.

I love Josh, but I hate the ever-pressing thought "I hope things are different when we live together." I think that hope is what is causing me doubts. What if things don't get better? I don't see how they couldn't (I'm speaking in terms of loneliness and that sickening empty feeling I get when I lay alone awake all night), but that doubt is still there.

I'm thinking about pursuing getting a license to smoke marijuana. So far, it's the only thing that helps me fall asleep and STAY asleep... and I'm not at all keen on trying something synthesized (is that the word that means created by people and filled with unnatural chemicals often in a pill form?). I first need to get tested to see if there's something else wrong with me. I'm thinking about getting tested for hypoglycemia to explain my fainting spells.
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